true facts about lou and human nip

my dear dear readers whom lou and i adore!,

    we're back! long story, i was doing some math for a year and lou was assassinating a cosmonaut on the international space station by dosing his liquid food with arsenic and old lace. he fled in his space suit and exited orbit plummeting to earth but he didn't burn up because he's made entirely of tungsten. he landed in the Caribbean and unzipped his space suit to reveal a white tuxedo. no daiquiris please this tuxedo is so white it burns your eyes if you gaze at it.

    In all seriousness however, we are happy to be back and we appreciate the dear reader's patience.

    This week I would like to present a few true facts about lou, accompanied by some lovely pictures courtesy of maggie and her cell phone.

1)  The financial crisis was orchestrated by Lou. 

    Lou short-sold everything in america all at once. mad-money jim kramer saw this as a bad augery for the market and made the sound effect of an anvil falling off of a cliff and told everyone to get out. prices plummeted and many investment banks folded out of the fear that if the market didn't crash, lou would get them. they were right to be weary, dear readers. 

    Have you ever heard of G&H bank and trust? no, because lou got mad at them one time and ate them. 

    He ate the whole bank: the building, their money and assets, the employees, every physical copy of their stock, an object representing their existence as an abstract conceptual institution called a bank, he drank a little can of root beer that rather than root beer contained the memories of every interaction that any living person ever had with the bank, and their board of trustees' families. It all ended up in the litter box in my closet.

And then I changed the litter.

All of the value that was lost from the market is in his swiss bank account. Lou ate switzerland. It's not neutral anymore because his stomach is acidic.

Lou's stock portfolio is tracked by the LTC index. the LTC is always valued at the price of the S&P 500, plus $1. lou always beats the market.

2) Lou has a gold medal in the octadecathalon.

it's a decathlon, pentathlon, and biathlon done simultaneously, with another steeple-chase thrown in for good measure.

3) The world is the Sims.

     This one might blow your minds.

     you are a character in the sims computer game on lou's computer. He made you by choosing your name, designing your face, and giving you stats.

     Yes dear readers, your personality is based on your sweet stats and your consciousness is an illusion. lou clicks around to make you do stuff. Ever wonder why stuff in your house disappear and is replaced by better stuff? ever wonder why you spin in a circle to change clothes?

     Look up! There's a green diamond above your head. Yes, you're in a computer game. would you give yourself a 4 out of 10 for athletic ability? well lou actually did.




Next the first album of the rock band
lou the cat and the humans!

Here is how it works: none of the bands whose music we stole ever existed and so we are coming up with it for the first time. We are releasing three albums.


Our rookie effort is "Human Nip"

Side A:
1.) roadrunner         - the modern lovers (4:06)
2.) bone machine       - pixies (3:07)
3.) tame               - pixies (1:55)
4.) she's lost control - joy division (3:58)
5.) erotic neurotic    - the saints (4:07)
6.) old world          - the modern lovers (4:01)
7.) get up and use me  - fire engines (3:03)
8.) break my body      - pixies (2:09)
9.) day of the lords   - joy division (4:50)

Side B:
1.) mountain jam       - allman brothers (33:41)
2.) the end            - the doors (11:41)

download it here:  >meow<



all the best, see you soon