lou's music & brad garoon is going to beat me up

     It's been a while since my last post, I have been doing mad math (math!), and lou was in stockholm by invitation of King Carl XVI Gustaf of Sweden, to participate in the 109th annual: pre-nobel prize award-ceremony kegger.

     He was hanging out with master-chief, barack "peacenik" obama. after lou did his famous jimmy-flip keg-stand, barack pulled him aside and asked him to ghostwrite his nobel lecture.

     he said that the fate of all peace was in his paws. 

     lou responded, "I work at the pleasure of the president, no problem home-sliggity-slice. Did I mention that i'm pseudo-ambro bro? my boy erasmus call me 'ambrosiaster the lecture-master'. Peace is in the bag."

Music!


*first of all, lou hates the band cat-power. that's his power, he's the one with the power. all of it, none of it is for them, and he hates them.


     lou is a great lover of music. he told me that he wanted to share his pretentious taste with the dear readers, and went over to pull some vinyl out of the box for me.
     he chewed up the corners of the album covers because he is too powerful and is an anarchist and distains material possessions. He told me to tell you all to liquidate the kulaks as a class, by the way.

     I am going to point out some possible bias here in this list, because I think he's just plugging albums that he either recorded or produced. He says that he can't help it, because he's just really good. he's got 'it' you know?


     my self esteem is threatened by my larger that life kitty roomate. the wall space I had set aside for my finger paintings, hand turkeys, and macaroni cats, is increasingly overshadowed by lou's gold record plaques, various honorary doctorates, and mars-lander-related certificates.


     he says he has perfect pitch too. I told him that that was bupkis. he looked at me.
     "meow." he curled back up on the green and white afghan he was shedding on. "G#."
     I sang "looooou!... is a cat."
     "almost an F, but a quarter-tone flat."
     "oh yeah? well how about this you meddlesome varmint? 'you - are - a - ki-i-ty - cat!'"
     "C major seventh chord arpeggio, augmented fifth. flat again."

     "touche... touche, astronamicat."






     Here are 10 albums lou recommends!:


10) Some Girls - The Rolling Stones >

9) Abbey Road - The Beatles >

"here comes the lou, do-do-do-do"




8) The Velvet Underground & Nico >

"getting better at this photoshop business, eh lou?"
"not bad, you know... for a person."




7) Goodbye and Hello - Tim Buckley >

6) Journey in Satchidananda - Alice Coltrane >

     swami satchidanda, aka the illustrious panama-pat
     (on track 4, lou has a bangin' jazz-timbral solo)




5) Young, Gifted and Black - Aretha Franklin >

4) Replicas - Gary Newman and Tubeway Army >

     "lou you were in tubeway army? what did you do?"
     "I threw shapes over the robodrogynous electo beat."


     "oh."




3) Trans-Europe Express - Kraftwerk >

lou is a pure blood... i mean pure-bred, show-quality stud ragdoll cat / german electro-pop innovator.




2) Talking Heads: 77 >

(lou's in there, it's like a magic eye thing. 
 you have to look through the album cover.)


     and finally, number one...


.
.
.






1)  Good Enough for a Poke - EP  >

     The Stylish Mustaches

http://www.purevolume.com/thestylishmustaches

  

     lou the cat says that I owe him a stinky all-natural cat-treat for this shameless plug.
     especially because he was uncredited for the synth sample on the track 'Napoleon Invades Russia (1975)'.


     he says the sample is clearly from the funky synth breakdown on his 1983 detroit techno 12"-single:


'space-cat at the edge of cat-space (acid-dub mix)' 


(I prefer the the b-side 'a cat in chaos, searching for panic, feat. afrika baambaata and the soulsonic force')


     he says he's suing the styling mustaches for copyright infringement.


     "hey punk, you can't copyright no beat cat. yo lou, is you crazy, cat? what about the spirit of open-source altruism, mr. meowtallica?"
     "metallica? where did you get that preposterous hypothesis? did steve tell you that? . . . yes, I was in metallica."


     "I thought you were a radical anarchist cat, not a record company suit..."
     "it's personal... i just hate that dj voldemort."




     oh and brad garoon made fun of my photoshopping, 
so here are unflattering pictures of him as famous snorkelin' matt schiff, and then as famous patoots schiff, displaying her famous praying-mantis kung-fu pose.

"bushido."

lou the cat solved fermat's lat theorem & is going to mars (for rizzle)

     I was rummaging through a box helping lou find his pink mouse that squeeks today, when I found a 100 page mathematical preprint that I hadn't seen before. It was titled 'modular elliptic curves and Fermat's last theorem', by lou the cat. i sat down and flipped through it.
     "hey lou, did you solve fermat's last theorem? that's a millennium prize problem bro." lou walked up to me and turned around in a circle.
     "yo top-cat, this is pretty intense. iwasawa theory? I knew you're up on number theory, but when did you get into modular forms and algebraic geometry?"
     "wait... hey #1 cat in the hood, I thought andrew wiles solved that in '95"
     "meow."
     "oh that was you? you're andrew wiles? dude..."
     "meow."

     "what? you squared the circle with a compass-straightedge construction too? that's like a 3000 year old problem that pythagorus made up. I thought that there was a proof that it was impossible to do."
     he showed it to me.
     "you're blowing my mind fluffer-nutter."
     lou rolled over, (more fell over with a thud, 'cause he's kind of top-heavy,) and I scratched his chin-chin-chin-chopper. 

     "so you have tenure at princeton? you know lou, much like d-mij...

I've never seen you do anything but sleep and lick yourself and eat stinky expensive wholistic cat-food. plus you don't even have opposable thumbs. you're full of surprises space-cat."






     Space-cat? space-cat indeed, dear readers! 

     lou the cat is going to mars in 2011 on the mars science laboratory rover! on a god-blesed microchip!!!1!!

     what an age we live in... (talk amongst yourselves, i'm verklempt.)    


;.}
     
     gil scott-heron once waxed with conviction on a slam bongo beat:

Taxes takin' my whole damn check, 

Junkies makin' me a nervous wreck, 

The price of food is goin' up, 

An' as if all that shit wuzn't enough: 

(Whitey's on the moon!)

     Gil! and my dear readers!
i had a dream,
that my pooor little kitty,
would one day live in a nation!,
where he would not be judged by the color of his fluff,
but on which planets or other astronomical objects he had his name on.

i had a dream that day.


     I know that you all have had this dream, and finally we can gather together, hand in hand with all our oppressed brothers, sisters, and feline brothers, and rejoice! for whitey, blacky, browny, jewy, and fluff-fat-fluffy, are going past the moon... to mars baby!

     Here is the link to add you name and get a swell certificate for yourselves:

http://marsprogram.jpl.nasa.gov/msl/participate/sendyourname/

     There is a message board on the 'lou the cat blog' facebook group (join it), to tell us lou the cat fanatics, which of you are going with him to the final-gosh-darn-frontier:

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=182072395268&ref=mf

     Thats all for today. as buzz lightyear (voiced by lou the cat by satellite from the fields medal award cerimony) once said: "to infinity and beyond. with cats."

the wayfaring surfer: panama-pat noyes

     As lou the cat and I were rooting for the home team at a sunny wisconsin badger's football game, (while matt upstaged me and ruined the dramatic effect), we discussed the legend of panama-pat noyes.

     A powerful force, shrouded in mystery, panama-pat is a transcendental multi-dimensional wandering philosopher. searching, deep in thought, he is forever seeking the answer to man's purpose, indeed the ontological truth of the very existence of consciousness. he thinks, and he surfs, and therefore he is... 

     panama-pat noyes.

     Panama-pat is wise and charismatic (his sun-hat has +10 wisdom and charisma). both of our fates(lou the person/lou the cat) have been affected profoundly by this man. for myself, lou the person, pat got me to start diving when I was 14 and later coached me at northwestern. for lou the cat, it was pat's fat-fat-kitty-cat marcel (and his unquenchable thirst for the blood of the innocent) that brought lou to madison to live with me.

     The reason that marcel was staying at the noyes' was because pat was leaving for a year on a quest for truth. pat is surfing in south africa and south east asia, with a brief stop in amsterdam and finland to visit some buddies.

     Yes dear readers! our stylishly-sun-shaded odysseus, as I write this very blog, is surfing his way from the land of the lotus-eaters, around the horn of the dark continent, through the west indies and the far east, risking life and limb, scylla and charybdis, sirens and penguins and cyclopses and the wrath of neptune, reaching for the stars, and doing his best to achieve his dreams: the perfect wave and true enlightenment.

     Lou is planning to meet pat for a session of meditation, and a spirit quest. he is heading out pretty soon to south africa to pow-wow with panama-pat, and to defend his title in the cape of good hope big wave penguin-surf classic. 

     He has told me that he plans to challenge panama-pat to a one-on-one, winner-takes-all, surf showdown. winner gets bragging rights at the local youth center, wins the affection of a cute surfer penguin named isabella mcdougherty, and attains nirvana.

    panama-pat noyes, I, lou the person, and all of our readers, wish you good luck in your travels. lou the cat is asleep/shedding on a pile of clean clothes, but I'm sure that he would wish you the best of luck as well. please send us postcards of pure truth and make sure to wear sunscreen and take a multi-vitamin and don't swim until 30 min after eating and watch out for stranger-danger and no unwrapped candy and wear flip-flops on the beach or you'll cut your foot on some broken glass and eat plenty of ruffage and some vegetables.

war is hell & lou's madison castle

     I forgot to warn you about lou the cat's x-ray hypnosis vision. He can see you naked, and if you look for too long, you'll think you're a duck.

     These first photos, are of lou's last day at the noyes residence. in the following picture, lou can be seen firing a blast from his eye-laser. A tearful good-bye kiss of death, to fat marcel the cat noyes.

     This photo was taken on july 5th. While we were taking group photos, outside sailors were kissing nurses in the street, and a ticker-tape parade was taking place in downtown wilmette.

     This day, you see, marked the end of the total war, between marcel and lou the cats, for dominion over castile de la noyes. It was a hellish quagmire, with extensive geneva-convention-defenestrating biological warfare. There was napalm (pee-pee), and land-mines (poop). no couch, or expensive carpet, or socked foot was safe. the casualties are estimated to be in the 8's.

     Lou was not defeated. no sir and no ma'am. He was merely bored with the excretion chess-match which seemed at a proverbial stalemate (lou the cat actually had mate in 7), and he was also eager to escape the hostile political environment in wilmette. 

     You see, lou is actually the author salman rushdie, 

and he was hoping to dodge a few fatwā's thrown at him after publishing his most recent critically-acclaimed novel: 'the satanic verses II: kazaam!' which features a comic-book insert of a one-on-one basketball game between shaq and alla, to save the loony tunes from aliens, winner takes all.

     Joyce Carol Oats called it "the war and peace of our generation", and further asserted, "if [lou the cat] doesn't win the nobel prize, I'll eat my hat and call myself charlie"

     And so, lou the cat set off with lou the person, to lay low in his castle chateau del gato, der zorn gottes. (pictured below)

     Little is known of the origins of this arthecechual wonder. It has been suggested that it was created by druidic tribes circa 3000 bc, and that it shares structural similarities with stonehenge, the great pyramids, and studio 54.

     The suspension drawbridge has been a topic of significant research by historians. It's use of a continuous loop of string, seems to suggest the influence of some unknown undergraduate math-major who was studying graph theory.

     The most striking feature is the coat of arms which dominates the facade of the upper ramparts. it's hypnotic gaze attracted kings and emperors, and it has marked a gathering place for cat-god-worshiping dyonesian mystery cults.

     recent radio-carbon dating, and molecular analysis has suggested that it is actually made out of cardboard and masking tape, and that it was built in mid august of 2009. but it's sweet right?

     lou the cat has settled in his castle, and after some modifications(wider doors...), he is quite content.

welcome

     Welcome to the official lou the cat blog. This is, as far as i know, the first blog specifically about lou the cat noyes-schiff on the internets. My name is lou schiff and i am roomates with lou the cat in madison wi.


     This blog is to keep the teeming masses of fans up to date on the adventures of the famous and dashing lou the cat. For those of you who have been sleeping under a rock on mars for the past 100(1000?)+ years, here are 10 true facts about lou the cat to bring you up to speed:

• lou is a cat.

• his name is lou. full name: louis the cat noyes-schiff.

• he lives with lou the person. after a bitter struggle over soverignty in the noyes household with the infamous and genuinely fat marcel the cat noyes, he expatriated and after a breif stay at patsy's house, he became a citizen of the great state of wisconsin. He currently resides with odd-couple-esque roommate lou the person schiff in madison near the campus of the university of wisconsin.

• lou is not fat, rather he is husky, big-boned, and fluffy. He is a pure-bred ragdoll and is hypoallergenic.

• he is a champion ballroom dancer. his 'best in show' winning tango at the 1971 Pour La Danse in paris, was described by Beatrice Famuina as a "tour de force".
• lou the cat is a spy. lou the cat is not a spy...*wink-wink.
• the origin of the name louis is shrouded in mystery. the pervading opinions in academia are that he was either named after french fashion designer louis vuitton by one skatie noyes, or after the famous louis the person schiff, perhaps by the famous emma noyes.

• lou the cat has a mysterious past. he is widely believed to be pseudo-Apollodorus, the author of the Bibliotheca. Aubrey Diller has called this work "the most valuable mythographical work that has come down from ancient times." When asked for a comment by the new york times in 1994, lou the cat responded with a pithy and nonplussed "meow".

• lou the cat lives by the sword. 

• lou the cat might be a lion. lou the cat often disappears for hours on end. Maybe to his sleeping nook in the closet behind the jeans, maybe to narnia!

     That is all for now. I am going to do math while lou the cat relaxes nearby on the windowsill with a glass of cognac and his catnip cigar.

-lou the person